And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
