By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
