Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Randomize
