My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
