Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Randomize
