you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
