please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Congratulations! We have a period
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
