my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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