Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize