Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
