note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
