Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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