I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
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I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
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just found out that she named her cat after me.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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