I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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