I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
