All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
