I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
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I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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