If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
