Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
