foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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