Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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