i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
