Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
