**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
