the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
