Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
