you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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