i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
