i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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