There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
