Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
