I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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