The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
