Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
