i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
