I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
