You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
