I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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