and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
