I feel great
I just peed on a car
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
