apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
