Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
