i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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