mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
