I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
