It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
