I love black thongs
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
