I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
