I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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