That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
