I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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