Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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