i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i love accidental penises.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
