used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
